Get ready, cause I'm catching up!

Ok, so I haven't written a blog post in say....2 years? Likely longer I'm sure. Basically I have finally graduated, moved out of my parents, moved back in with my parents, decided to get a divorce, met some amazing people, started my career as a nurse, and learned an infinite wealth of knowledge since my last post. Whew, a lot of info going on there but all of it pertinent. I don't know why I even feel the need to update this damn thing except that sometimes it just feels good to get my thoughts out of my head and on to "paper". Since I know I have virtually zero readers, that makes for a good place to share some thoughts that I don't really care if anyone ever sees.

With all of that being said I guess I should start from the beginning. Graduation was amazing and I was super excited to begin my awesome new career as a Registered Nurse! Little did I know that what all of my coworkers had tried to tell me for years was actually the truth. The first year of nursing is an absolute nightmare. Especially if you work on a busy cardiac telemetry floor on day shift. Damn near impossible feat for a new grad. So after about 5 months toughing it out on days, I decided I either had to swap to nights or find something else to do with my life. Driving to work every day before a shift, I felt as though I was going to vomit. Life is entirely way too short to spend doing something that physically makes you ill just at the thought of doing it. True, I am not 100% satisfied with my job at present. But I can say that I manage to make it through a shift most nights without feeling like I am going to have a nervous breakdown from all of the stress. My night shift work family are more than likely the most amazing example of a team anyone could ever ask to see. Not to mention, most of my patients (I use the term most very loosely here) are typically asleep throughout the shift. I get the occasional call for pain meds, or the dementia patient that keeps me on my toes, but typically I am able to maintain pretty well on night shift.

Onto the part that I am supposed to be sad about. The divorce. Honestly, this was the best decision that either of us has made for each other in years. We were great friends and still do care deeply for each other, however, the honeymoon was over a long time ago and there was irreparable damage done throughout the years that we just never recovered from. Since our decision, I have had a life awakening like none other I have experienced. I've discovered that there is no such thing as a right or wrong way to live your life. So what if I am 30 and have no children? Do I want children? Maybe one day, but what would be so wrong about having none? What if I chose that I wanted to spend the rest of my life traveling and enjoying whatever makes me happy in the moment? That's the part that scares most people. The unknown. Call me crazy but the unknown intrigues me. I love the idea that I have no clue what my life will look like in 5 years. My ideal day would be to wake up and decide, "hey, I'm off for a few days, let me just take a trip today" get in my car and just drive until I found somewhere that looked interesting and then explore it. The only true thing I know that I do want in my life is someone to share it with. I crave the feeling of excitement you get when you just can't wait to see someone. When the thought of their eyes makes you want to know everything about them. I know I am ridiculous and I shouldn't already be thinking about all of that, but I do. I am deep down a hopeless romantic. I feel that if not for those amazing experiences and feelings, what is the point of living at all. So what if I get my heart broken? It happens to people every day. If that does happen, I will just do what I always have done and pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on moving. Life goes on regardless of how sad someone might make you feel. And that's ok. That's the beauty of living. I could be dead in a year, how would I feel looking back on my life and saying "I really should have spent less time with that guy because it was 'the responsible' thing to do". Screw that! I say that for the rest of my life I will always do whatever my gut tells me to do. I will do so with no regard to what is "appropriate" or what is "acceptable". I will live in each moment that makes me feel happy. Who cares what happens in a week, a month, a year, or a decade? We aren't promised anything with regard to time, so why not try and bleed dry every single moment we have of all of the possible happiness it possesses? That's what I plan to do. And likely the only plan I will be making any time soon.

MISSION FOR 2012/2013? Do exactly whatever in the hell I feel happy doing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Holy Crap Sandwich, Batman! We've got a problem!

It's no secret to most everyone I know that my husband and I are living with my parents currently. This was a move made after dear husband lost his job at the end of July (might I add he was let go on his birthday which was 2 days before MY birthday, oh happy day) and we have since been renting our house to a family friend. Since then, I can say that time has passed relatively swiftly and we have no major complaints living with the folks. That being said..... I miss my own house. I miss it so terribly! However, since the aforementioned loss of job we have not been able to make it back to our previous financial state. DH has found another full time job, but in the process he had to get rid of the part time job to accomadate the new full time job hours. Also, due to my upcoming Nursing school schedule, I had to switch to a day shift position at work. This comes with a loss of my night differential and means a loss of roughly $180 per month.

So if you've been following along with me- we are now down substantially from our pre-job loss status and still unable to move back into our home. Don't get me wrong, I am super glad that things worked out and we have someone paying the mortgage by living in our place. I just can't shake the feeling that we are a burden on my parents and they probably have the same "can't we just have our house back" sentiment that we do. I just keep reminding myself that things will get better. I am sacrificing all of these things to make a better life possible. To make these sorts of feelings and blogs obsolete. Never again will I have to rely on anyone but myself for anything financial. I will be able to provide a stress free (financially anyways) life for DH, myself, and our future children. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. With one year of nursing school down, and 2 semesters left to go- I can see it!!!!!

On a lighter note, I had my very last lecture of the semester today. All that I have left are 5 exams and I will be done for the year! It feels so good to say that. Our instructors weren't lying when they said that it would go by so much faster than any of us realized. Also, tonight I am planning on starting an IV on Dad. Haha, he doesn't even know what's coming! J/k- I'm pretty sure it wont be too bad.

We need a little Christmas, Right this very minute!! Warning, mildly offensive...

So, I have noticed a disturbing trend this year. I guess I should restate that. I have seen a disturbing trend since I have been an adult, every single year around this time. This is probably redundant because everyone complains about the same thing every year, but it just really has gotten to me this time.

Why does a retail store need to be open on Thanksgiving DAY to cater to people trying to purchase items for Christmas (a holiday that is not "supposed" to be about gifts)? Did anyone ever stop to think about the families of the people who have to work at those stores? No, the primary focus of their actions is getting the best deal. This is sadly a product of our society. A consumer driven, almighty dollar society. All that really seems to matter anymore is what we own. Not who we love and those that we are fortunate enough to have love us back.

I have managed to purchase 1 gift so far this season and I am in no hurry to get out and buy more. I love the Christmas season, but this year I just cant seem to get myself in the "mood". Could it be that I am just too emotionally and physically drained after a year straight of Nursing school? Yeah, more than likely. Do I really care that I am not humming Christmas carols and wrapping gifts? No, not really.

What I can say I give a crap about these days is passing the 5 more exams I have standing between me and my Christmas day, paying my bills, and being with my family. Sad to see that the exams were at the top of my priority list. I do not apologize though. Those that really love me and want what's best for me will understand. Actually, let me rephrase that. They may not fully understand but they at least tolerate my more than usual odd behaviors. I always thought that when people who were/are in Nursing school would talk about how hard it was or how much stress they were under, they were completely over stating the topic. Boy, I had no freakin' clue!

Enough about all of that business. It was not my intent to go into a tirade about how sucky my life seems these days. I have too many blessings to count, so I really have nothing REAL to complain about. I just find it necessary to throw a little pity party every now and then!
Wow, why on earth would anyone continue reading this. I feel like I am pretty damn boring these days. Moving on...... I plan to continue to update this blog occasionally considering that the internet seems to be my only way to reach out to the rest of the world that I never see anymore. Maybe the next one will be a bit more upbeat!

Merry F'ing Christmas Everyone!!! Go buy some crap!